How to tell your boo you're a Stripper

“I just told a guy I’ve been dating for 2 months about my job as a stripper. It’s not something I normally share and I wanted to wait to see where things were going... Now all he’s been doing is reading articles about the club I work at... articles for men, written by men. I just feel like he could ask me first hand but rather he is building this idea in his head about what it may be like and I’m so worried. I am hurting a lot inside about this...”

— Bummed Babe

Babe!

When I first read this, my initial reaction was along the lines of:  RUDE. How invasive! What a tool!  But after re-reading  I noticed you didn't mention the deciding factor for you telling him.....  SO,  I presume it's because you see potential in him and in this going somewhere. Which is what's contributing to you "hurting a lot inside about this."  Therefore I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

That benefit of the doubt side eye

Chances are he's avoided asking you directly because after thinking it over/ calling his rabbi and/or watching some Juicy J videos- he realized he didn't know shit about our heavily stigmatized biz and what our job entails, and it made him nervous AF.  Which is no excuse. 

If only I had a dollar for all the poor excuses boys had for their bad behaivor. Photo: Sophia Phan

Though I would like to play devil's advocate and point out how these days 99% of us would rather consult the internet versus the available trained Professional whenever we don't know something. 

It's way less of an ego blow to ask the web because heaven forbid we humble ourselves to someone more knowledgeable and qualified at the risk of seeming "stupid." Also, the internet is this great place where we can satiate our twisted desires to self fulfill psychosomatic prophecies, sourcing only the information we want to find, rather than evidence supported, unbiased facts. 

Remember that ass ache you googled? And after losing yourself in a vortex of gratuitous data, concluded you have a hybridized Pulmonary-Cancer-Herpes-Embolism. And its fatal.

Oh I remember...

Though in reality you forgot to tell Matt the Mechanic to take the keys out of his pocket before grinding on him for two hours and half his pension. I digress.  It's time for you to pipe up girl. Check any uncertainty at the door and do what I do when I have a tricky topic that needs to be addressed in my civilian life. Put on your Stripper hat. 

I like em big and fuzzy.  Photo: Steve Prue

When the Stripper hat is on, we are cool, collected and can converse with an authoritative confidence that puts people at ease and allows them to trust in what we are delivering.  Tell him you forgive him this time BUT let him know that he fucked up. 

Explain how it's super shitty to have the person you feel an intimate connection with turn to complete-BIASED AF-strangers to help them navigate complex feelings about something you confided in them.  It's even more shitty, because all he had to do was trust the industrious boss babe he's spending his time with enough to ask. If you must, feel free to throw in a sentence about understanding how intimidating it is to not know something. Especially when that something is heavily stigmatized. Because I once heard that empathy was important...

But that's it. NO APOLOGIES.  If he's taken the time to listen, understand and respect how YOUR job relates to YOU while giving you a bomb ass foot rub, and is still thirsting for more...  Point him to the plethora of sites, podcasts, and YouTube channels operated by talented industry women who's content is candidly informative and directly related to all things sex work and positivity!

jacqthestripper.com slutist.com titsandsass.com stripperwriter.com strippermonolgues.com luxatlspellbook.com To name a few! FINALLY It bears repeating, NO APOLOGIES. Please remember you are not responsible for managing his feelings. Forgive him for his initial naiveté, open the floor for discussion and offer guidance so that he may properly educate himself. Afterwards, the ball is in his court.

If there is potential for things going somewhere, he'll recognize how invasive and insensitive he was and will beg forgiveness. If not, he is a tool, and 2 months is but a glitter in your gloss.

Move on. 

Honesty & The Champagne Room

Perhaps it's the current political climate? Perhaps it's the evolution of my work persona hybridizing with my off duty self? Perhaps it's my increasing ability to effortlessly navigate the sea of bullshit? Perhaps it's the tequila? Don't get me wrong. I am down with the bullshit.

Because, it's in these neon havens of over stimulation and under poured Crown & Cokes (stahp whining and just buy the damn bottle already) that our embodiment of Super Slut Party Girls, fused with the willing participation of our guests, has a magical way of encouraging people to indulge in consensual perversions that society has taught them to shame. And there is beauty in that. But lately something's changed. And I'm wondering if anyone else feels me on this. Shit's getting R E A L. As in the Champagne Room chit chat (think smutty pillow talk) is increasingly rife with political commentary and personal revelations that were once few and far between. And I'm not talking about customers' "deep dark desire that I've never told anyone"revelations. Pffft, that's just an average day at the office. What I'm noticing is a trend in personal disclosures. Think: stuggles, triumphs, and genuine human empathy. Now I know, being a topless therapist IS often the hustle. But when you're a sex worker in a city that was built on commodifying indulgence and promoting vice, people tend to check the R E A L talk at the airport. They often patronize clubs as their alter ego's. And alter ego's generally imitate pop culture caricatures not offer meditation advice, compare mole removal scars and break down crying due to family immigration issues. (some recent topics of conversations I've had.) Whatever it is, people are tuned in and they are reaching out. And I'm finding it refreshing. Not because I don't enjoy embodying that Super Slut Party Girl, the very thing strip club dreams are made of.

AS IF.

It's more that this new way of engaging is redefining how I work, thus making an already unique environment that much more interesting.  There's also something to be said about finding new things to pique your interest and challenge you in a job you've had for 6 years. And who doesn't like that?! Happy Hustling! Xxo, Val

Stripping Vs. Burlesque

“My boyfriend is very supportive when it comes to me doing burlesque but Hates that I want to be a stripper. He says he doesn’t like it because he didn’t meet me as a stripper. How do I deal with him being unsupportive? I don’t want to throw away 7 years together but I’m paying my own bills and stripping is what I want to do. I even bought a pole :)”

— Stripper Hopeful

Hopeful,

 The following is not an amphetamine fueled tangent but rather a necessary prelude to the answer I have for you. It may help clarify where your "very supportive" boyfriend's ignorance is coming from.* Because lord knows there've been many margaritas guzzled, while attempting to intellectualize and argue whether stripping on a Burlesque stage makes you a Stripper. * Having professionally stripped as a strip club and burlesque stripper for the past 6 years I have some knowledge on the topic. The Australia Burlesque Festival On one hand, There are a portion of new-wave Burlesquers who feel because they've put so much blood, sweat, and tears into creating elaborate costumes, sets, and story lines for their acts, that to call them a Stripper devalues said efforts.  Such passionate disassociation, may be a result of the contemporary use of the word Stripper being bitterly associated with an entertainer who seemingly has done a fraction of the work, yet is able to sell their fantasy for (often times) a lot more dough. Perhaps if said Burlesquers knew more about the strip club industry they'd be less dismissive of a Strip Club Stripper's work? It may also be that we've finally found a way to normalize a genre of striptease enough so that we can incorporate it into polite dinner conversation and market it to people who'd otherwise cringe at the idea of stripping. And this makes said Burlesquers want to shun a job title that comes with such negative press? But much like the suave magician who pulls a card out of your ass without you ever feeling it and makes you wonder if it's been in there all along because of how smoothly she executed the illusion-  There's something to be said about a good Stripper, regardless of production value, making the job look easy.  Do we have to shun a word that started as a simple job description before it was heavily stigmatized to validate our artistic achievements? 

OR

Do we find that validation within ourselves, fully embrace the evolution of our culture and continue to collectively fight the good fight?

*This is not to say all burlesquers who haven't stripped in strip clubs are quick to disassociate themselves with Strip Club Strippers. Many performers I know proudly hybrid strip club choreography and/or incorporate raunchy elements into their shows.  It's also not to say that all Burlesquers who don't embrace raunch disassociate themselves from the term either.

AND it's not to say that those who do disassociate themselves with the term are bitter about the pay difference. 

I am specifically talking about those who do and who are, to help illustrate the where and why your boyfriend may be fine with one and not the other. Because this has been an age old debate.  On the other hand,

There are a portion of Strip Club Strippers who are reluctant to share the Stripper title with Burlesquers. Because, it can seem those who now embrace it are only eager to be a card carrying member due to SCS's new found street cred/burgeoning cool factor. This may also be a result of being sanctimoniously shit on by Burlesque performers and fans (along with most of society now that I mention it), for our savvy ways of inspiring men to empty their wallets in exchange for a seductive pole dance and/or dry hump.  Which has greatly devalued the blood, sweat, and tears that goes into honing a well executed pole trick and/or hustle. But much like the underground band you were a loyal fan of since day fucking one, who then went on to become a house hold name-  Do we shun the new found pride within our Burlesque sisters and brothers, just so we can boast about how back in the day we were 1 of the 6 people (aside from the other bands playing that night) going hard in the audience?  OR Do we live and let live, embrace our new allies and continue to collectively fight the good fight? I digress. In my opinion, if a bear shits in the woods, then anyone getting paid to take off their clothes while rhythmically gyrating to music is a stripper.  INCLUDING YOU. 

BOTTOM LINE:

Tell your boyfriend that you love him but that change is crucial to your self development and the continual growth of your relationship.  Suggest doing some fun Stripper homework together to help educate him on the history and evolution of burlesque stripping into contemporary strip club stripping.  Read books, watch documentaries and PATRONIZE A CLUB!

And if that doesn't inspire him to change his tune & he remains unsupportive, you will have to decide if compromising mega-important things, like how you choose to earn your living is really how you want to live? 

It may be time to acknowledge that anyone who doesn't respect and honor your efforts in funding your life and dreams, is a giant waste of cock-blocking time. 

Xxo, Val