To Fuck Or Not Fuck The Ageist Bullshit?

“Hey, two questions! 1st- Do you have any secrets for keeping your body in the amazing shape that it’s in?? 2nd- So I just turned 30 (and I know I still look just as good or better than I did at 23!) but when customers ask, what’s your feelings on telling them? Forever 21? OR Fuck the ageist BS and tell them that I’m *shock, horror* not in my 20’s? Sometimes I feel the “wow really?” comments can bring me down, even though I’m confident due to being a health/self care freak. It’s a constant battle fighting the ageism ingrained in me. ”

— Xo, 30, Flirty and Thriving

FLIRTY AND THRIVING!

Oooo you sure know what to say to make a girl smile... and we all know flattery will get you everywhere. 

Honestly my only "secret" is to be kind to yourself and regularly indulge in things that really bring you pleasure. 

For example. I've developed a passion for making ice cream and therefore eat A LOT of it. Which I know seems counter intuitive to the typical eat clean/regularly work out rhetoric, which I generally do follow... 

But I've realized that I personally feel, and in turn look my best, when I do what the fuck I want.

And by not denying myself this pleasure I never really think twice about keeping up with the gym or otherwise eating clean because it doesn't feel militantly restrictive.

If that makes any sense?! 

But enough about me! 

WELCOME TO YOUR 30'S! 

Along with looking "just as good or BETTER,"

I'm willing to bet your sense of self, hustle and orgasms are way more on point then they ever were at 23. 

Can I get an AMEN for all that life experience sculpting you into a confident, self actualized mother-fucking boss!

Snaps fingers, tosses hair.

Though Goddess knows, for all the bullshit we've had to unlearn in order to hone our power as multi-dimensional sexual beings... 

And then to, as a sex worker, wield this power as a tool in commodifying ourselves to sell fantasies- 

Fantasies that are usually derived from very one-dimensional feminine archetypes

Geeze that makes my head throb...

It can sometimes feel impossible to disassociate ourselves from the ageism (amongst other things) ingrained in us. 

So is the paradox of earning a living selling trite fantasies when one is a card carrying member of the new-wave feminist movement (and will sass the fuck out of anyone who ever adds a "for your age" at the end of any compliment.) 

Sighhhh.

On one hand, 

We're proud as fuck of who we are and want to righteously rep diversity which helps shatter the narrow notion that only certain women should be lusted after. Right?! 

But on the other hand, 

These narrow notions are so deeply embedded in male culture that realistically it's going to take a collective effort from WAY MORE than some radical, bomb-ass Strippers telling patrons their age, to change this. 

THAT, AND WE GOTTA EAT. 

Now some of y'all will disagree with me and I'm never mad at that.

But when it comes to hustling effectively aka maximizing our earning potential, 

I am of the school of thought that we are sales-women in a service industry and therefore prioritizing our clients needs (so long as it's within our personal boundaries) in spite of politics (again, so long as it's within our personal boundaries) is essential to getting paid.

Therefore:

If a potential "Wow, really?" is going to kill your vibe tell them what you intuitively feel they want to hear and MAKE YOUR MONEY. 

Then work out all of your celebratory activism via IRL and/or URL when you're off duty. 

Heyyyyyy....

Carrie Fisher famously said,

"MEN DON'T AGE BETTER THAN WOMEN, THEY'RE JUST ALLOWED TO AGE." 

And I do believe the more righteous Queens like yourself continue to proudly assert themselves and celebrate their diversity as multi-dimensional sexual beings, the more it contributes to dismantling the shitty stigmas and basic stereotypes that keep us from being allowed to age. 

But if it jeopardizes your ends meeting, is it worth doing at work? 

Xxo, Val

The Hustle-Slump Blues

“I feel like I’ve been getting caught in a web of negativity, between sad customers, angry dancers, incompetent staff and it kiiiillllls my motivation to make money. What have you found that helps break a streak of bad nights? ”

— Majora J

Majora! 

I'll bet my ass that so long as there are hustlers there will be a hustle-slump blues. 

One week you're fire af. 

Every stage show ending in buckets and every seductive pitch, flawlessly executed,

With every faction of the Stripperverse harmoniously vibing, creating the most fun and lucrative club a gal could ever dream of. 

The next week, not so much. 

Your stages are empty.

Or even worse, filled with sleepers, Snappers and Mr. & Ms. "What are you going to do for this dollar?" 

Your pitch is reading as: 

There's not an ounce of me that believes anything I'm saying right now, and I knew you were going to say "No" the moment I sat down, but my feet hurt so Ima see this through till the bitter end.

And Mercury is in retrograde. 

But only at your club. 

OH HOW WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.

You don't make any mention of what your life outside of the club is like, so lets start there. 

Take an honest look at how you spend your time, what you're working towards and who you surround yourself with. 

I've often found that there is a direct relation between how awesome (or not so awesome) I feel about my personal life and the loot I'm raking in. 

If you're stuck in a funky frequency-  feeling stagnant, bored and unhappy about where you're at or who you're with,

Chances are you're dragging that shit into the club with you. 

Even if you've got a killer poker face and never talk about your drama at work,

Bad vibes are like cheap perfume, 

You think no one knows, 

But ohhhh they can smell it. 

Then I'd remind yourself that:

You are not the sum of your night's earnings. 

*I posted this a few months back after having gone through my own hustle-slump. 

During which I spent a lot of time reflecting on how difficult it can be to disassociate our self worth from the money we earn, and realized it was equally important (if not more) to hone being a bad bitch on the bad nights as well as the flush ones. 

After that I recommend a Stripcation. 

One of the brilliant perks of being a Stripper is that we can literally work anywhere. Anywhere there are Strip Clubs. 

And I am a H U G E advocate for getting your hustle on somewhere new.

Being a Stripper you already know you are resourceful and can adapt quickly so:

• Pick a destination. 

• Ask other Strippers what they might know about it, Google the clubs there and call ahead to see what's required to work. 

• Map out where said clubs are and find a place to stay, remembering to keep your overhead low because you're there to work. 

• PACK YOUR PLEASERS AND HIT THE ROAD. 

If travel isn't possible, 

Switch up the clubs in your home town. Even if only for a few shifts... 

And if that's not an option, 

Try working a different schedule at your home club. 

There's just something about an unfamiliar environment, working with different babes and grinding on new laps that can magically reinvigorates a hustle. 

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT: 

Make sure you're feeling good about your life outside the club. 

Survivetheclub.com is a dope resource that offers personal coaching in addition to encouraging affirmations  that help even the savviest of hustlers continue to develop personally and professionally. 

Check out their article "Good Habits From the Start." 

Remind yourself that you are still a righteous Queen even on shitty nights and that your buckets will most definitely be brimming again soon,

AND

Create new hustle rituals & routines that will rekindle what you loved about this job to begin with. 

GET IT GIRL! 

HOW TO DRINK ALL DAY & MAKE IT RAIN ALL NIGHT (A Patrons Guide):

* I posted a nearly identical version of this back on St. Patricks Day (please fill in appropriate holiday references) after recalling every booze centric holiday I ever hustled.

I figured, why continue to anxiously anticipate a night of customers who probably mean well but are too fucked up to realize how their poor hygiene and lack of financial preparation totally cock block my Happy Slut vibes...

When I can just school y'all on how NOT to do that?!!

So voila! My top 3 things to do after drinking all day before making it rain all night:

1. BRUSH YOUR TEETH.  Or at the very least rinse with mouth wash.

Because nothing is more vile than 8 hours of Guinness and Corned Beef breath. 

2. CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES

Because even through the clouds of Warm Sugar scented body spray and cheap cigars, I can still smell the back splash of your bestie's vomit (that's unbeknownst to you) stuck on your jeans.

*And there's not a chance in hell I'm dry humping anyone who reeks of whiskey sweats and day old vomit.

#truth 

3. HIT THE ATM

Chances are after a day of slamming Irish Car Bombs your memory of what pin number matches which debit card will be questionable.

Respect our time and avoid embarrassment by remembering that CASH IS KING.

Plus the more accessible it is, the easier it'll be for you to impulsively make it rain on the goddesses twerking in headstands to Shipping Up To Boston. 

Follow these SIMPLE & CONSIDERATE steps, make our time with you as pleasurable as possible and I promise it will greatly enhance your sexy experience!

Courtesy of your friendly neighborhood Stripper.

Xxo, Val