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  • Valerie Stunning

How to tell your boo you're a Stripper

“I just told a guy I’ve been dating for 2 months about my job as a stripper. It’s not something I normally share and I wanted to wait to see where things were going... Now all he’s been doing is reading articles about the club I work at... articles for men, written by men. I just feel like he could ask me first hand but rather he is building this idea in his head about what it may be like and I’m so worried. I am hurting a lot inside about this...”

— Bummed Babe


When I first read this, my initial reaction was along the lines of:  RUDE. How invasive! What a tool!  But after re-reading  I noticed you didn't mention the deciding factor for you telling him.....  SO,  I presume it's because you see potential in him and in this going somewhere. Which is what's contributing to you "hurting a lot inside about this."  Therefore I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

That benefit of the doubt side eye

Chances are he's avoided asking you directly because after thinking it over/ calling his rabbi and/or watching some Juicy J videos- he realized he didn't know shit about our heavily stigmatized biz and what our job entails, and it made him nervous AF.  Which is no excuse. 

If only I had a dollar for all the poor excuses boys had for their bad behaivor. Photo: Sophia Phan

Though I would like to play devil's advocate and point out how these days 99% of us would rather consult the internet versus the available trained Professional whenever we don't know something. 

It's way less of an ego blow to ask the web because heaven forbid we humble ourselves to someone more knowledgeable and qualified at the risk of seeming "stupid." Also, the internet is this great place where we can satiate our twisted desires to self fulfill psychosomatic prophecies, sourcing only the information we want to find, rather than evidence supported, unbiased facts. 

Remember that ass ache you googled? And after losing yourself in a vortex of gratuitous data, concluded you have a hybridized Pulmonary-Cancer-Herpes-Embolism. And its fatal.

Oh I remember...

Though in reality you forgot to tell Matt the Mechanic to take the keys out of his pocket before grinding on him for two hours and half his pension. I digress.  It's time for you to pipe up girl. Check any uncertainty at the door and do what I do when I have a tricky topic that needs to be addressed in my civilian life. Put on your Stripper hat. 

I like em big and fuzzy.  Photo: Steve Prue

When the Stripper hat is on, we are cool, collected and can converse with an authoritative confidence that puts people at ease and allows them to trust in what we are delivering.  Tell him you forgive him this time BUT let him know that he fucked up. 

Explain how it's super shitty to have the person you feel an intimate connection with turn to complete-BIASED AF-strangers to help them navigate complex feelings about something you confided in them.  It's even more shitty, because all he had to do was trust the industrious boss babe he's spending his time with enough to ask. If you must, feel free to throw in a sentence about understanding how intimidating it is to not know something. Especially when that something is heavily stigmatized. Because I once heard that empathy was important...

But that's it. NO APOLOGIES.  If he's taken the time to listen, understand and respect how YOUR job relates to YOU while giving you a bomb ass foot rub, and is still thirsting for more...  Point him to the plethora of sites, podcasts, and YouTube channels operated by talented industry women who's content is candidly informative and directly related to all things sex work and positivity! To name a few! FINALLY It bears repeating, NO APOLOGIES. Please remember you are not responsible for managing his feelings. Forgive him for his initial naiveté, open the floor for discussion and offer guidance so that he may properly educate himself. Afterwards, the ball is in his court.

If there is potential for things going somewhere, he'll recognize how invasive and insensitive he was and will beg forgiveness. If not, he is a tool, and 2 months is but a glitter in your gloss.

Move on. 


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