Booze, Broads, & Sluts: The Australia Diaries (Sydney)
Tuesday 6/14- Wednesday 6/22
I land on Tuesday and experience an exhaustion akin to the plush haze that consumes you after you've peaked on MDMA.
I'm present in an out-of-body sort of way and dehydrated as fuck.
I devise a brilliant plan to outsmart my inevitable jet lag: rally my buddy Peter and head to the nearest pub.
Peter lives in Sydney by way of Scotland.
Living the dream as a bad ass chef, he travels the world, surfs exotic locales, and loves freely.
Several libations later and his current lady friend joins us.
We move on to a trendier bar, and they drift into private conversation.
I find refuge in the beautiful barman- who at the very least is paid to talk to me.
A couple tequila on the rocks in and he regales me with his past debaucheries of role play, cuckolding, and multiracial orgies.
Peter's lady friend proceeds to get hammered and picks a fight with a dude twice her size.
We are politely asked to leave.
I pass out by 9pm.
The next day I meet Tee, a stylishly coiffed forty something with a velvety Vietnamese-Aussie accent. She owns the salon where I go to get a gel manicure.
Tee is overjoyed that I've come from Vegas and immediately dishes on the babe she was recently hooking up with while on a girls trip there.
Sensing a kindred spirit in her approach to partying and picking up men, I implore her to give me ALL THE DETAILS.
Without hesitation she shows me the longing texts and sexy selfies her Vegas friend is still sending her. Tee has got it like that.
As she finishes my impeccable manicure, she sincerely advises me to have all the fun I can while I can, because you never know what tomorrow will bring.
I assure her it's a mantra I swear by.
Later that week I catch up with Sam whom I met about a year ago over vodka shots and amateur male strippers at mutual friend's wedding.
She's a Kiwi living in Oz and runs a tight ship at the sleek restaurant she manages.
Sam is a mother-fucking BOSS.
What was intended to be a casual drink turns into hours of slamming tequila at a notorious hospitality industry bar.
We commiserate about young men and their bad game, trade bizarre stories of past lovers (she wins), and revel in each other's bawdy ways.
A perfect night.
By Friday my burlesque touring partner Di Lovely arrives.
On stage Di is hailed for her pop queen attitude and slick booty-centric choreography. Off stage her sass is quieted by an incredible sweetness and genuine love for her friends.
Fierce as fuck with a heart of gold.
We check into an Air B&B and begin prepping for an exhilarating weekend of performing at the Australian Burlesque Festival.
Between burlesque shows, hip hop dance parties, tourism, and bottles of tequila we are rarely home.
At some point we do manage to cross paths with our Air B&B host, Serene.
We learn that Serene is a former weight lifting stunt woman, who now works at a non-for-profit fighting the good fight against oil lobbyists in efforts to conserve Australia's unique bio-diverse areas.
We also learn that due to the stress of her job and a broken collarbone which she is healing herself- she is just as drunk as we are.
Di and I go on to slay the stage, cuddle koalas, and drink more tequila before heading to Perth.